As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
