Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
