he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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