Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
