if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
