The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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