Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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