Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize