Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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