Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
