I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
