Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
