I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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