He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
