I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
