he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Enjoy the penises
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
