Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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