I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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