Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
