chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
