Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
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You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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