I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Boobs speak an international language.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
