two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
