There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
