You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
