I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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