He is like the real live version of the state fair..
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
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He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
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He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage