My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
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i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
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We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.