I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.