seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
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He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
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I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"