Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
