I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
