hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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