not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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