Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
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you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
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I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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