Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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