A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
