i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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