Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
