You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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