My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
