After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
