Just took my morning after pill in the library
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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