the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
