Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
