U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
