I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
