I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He did a backflip because drugs
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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