So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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