somebody snuck up and got me drunk
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
