My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
