she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
