what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
