Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
is it fun? or sober?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
