why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
