i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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