i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
