I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
