Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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