I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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